Hello Friends  

         It has been ages since I posted here in my journal, not proud of it just stating the truth.  I've had two major surgeries since then so if I seem a little daft please forgive me.  Too much anesthetic I'm thinking.  Have you ever been to the point where not a lot of things mean much to you anymore ?  I sure have and I hate feeling this way.  I really thought I couldn't wait to be with my daughter and grandkids again, haven't seen them for five years.  They have been living here with me since May right after school got out, and I can't remember being this depressed. The day after they got here I got sicker again and had to be rushed to the hospital, never have felt that way before something entirely new for me, felt bad a lot of other ways, but not like that. I ended up being in the hospital for three weeks and had a left side carotid endarterectomy.  It was pretty rough going there for a while.  I kept running a temperature and the doctors couldn't figure out why and they were afraid to do the surgery.  They finally decided to go ahead and do it and I bled into the incision I lost a unit of blood, they had to end up giving me a unit before I could come home, by the way that was my thirty  third unit, thats right 33 units, since I have been sick, which was since Feb. 2002.  Anyway I came home for three weeks and then back again to do the other side. The left side was blocked 95% and the right was  98%.    Because of the illness and surgery my daughter just recently went to work. She is now my home healthcare worker, she is supposed to be cleaning my house.  She has never been much of a housekeeper.  But good news  she and the kids are getting their own place on the first, can't wait.  My best friend, who her husband used to work for, is helping her rent the place and I'm afraid she is not thanking her for doing it. I think she should be very thankfull for any help she can get. The only reason my friend is helping her is because she is worried about me being able to handle the stress. To be honest I'm not doing very well with it, and I am very thankfull she is helping her because now I am broke and can't help her.  I've spent everything I have feeding and housing them.  My phone bill this month was 250.00 I almost passed out when I saw it.  She was making long distance calls and didn't even ask if I had any long distance service.  I had 30 minute free long distance and that is all.  I may not be able to buy groceries for myself this month, I'm so very worried now. I may not be able to pay my bills this month either.  I never talk about money problems, but I'm so upset, If I don't talk about it to someone I may blow up. Sorry for being such a pain in the butt. I can't seem to get her to do things for me that I need help with, like hanging laundry and doing some personal things I need help with.  How do I get her to help me without sounding like I'm griping at her ?  Any ideas ? I'm just so very upset about it  . How can I get her to care like she should ?  Is it so terrible to need the help ?  I have home health because the doctor knows I can't do it myself, I just don't have the energy.  She is also embarressed  by me with the colostomy.  I take very good care of it and never have smells  but I can tell she is.  It makes me so want to cry my eyes out evry day.  I'm in tears right now.  Ok, I'm crying now can't see what I am writing I must go.  Thanks to all my friends, you know I will always be there for you guys, love you.  Please don't be embarressed by me too.  I'm about ready to give up, can't stand to be an embarressement to my kids  just can't take it anymore    Love and bless you all